Tears

We lost the first soldier of the Roto today, I've cried, prayed, and keep thinking that my hubby will be keeping home. RIP Lt. Boyes

May no Soldier be forgotten, Until they all come home.

Finally heading in a good direction.

I thought I would let you know that I finally got a short email from the hubby this morning.

We have agreed that the best action plan is to use the tour money to pay off the loans, and we will still have enough money for our wedding and getting me a car. So I am feeling 100X better now that I know what we are doing and where we are headed financially.

I am glad to have finally heard from him, who knew that two sentences could make me smile so much.
Thanks to all you ladies who have dealt with difficult me during this past week.

BEST FRIEND EVER!

So i would just like to say that I got the BEST Best-friend ever.

I got a text today that basically said "I'm sad our guys are gone, but glad we can grow closer through this, and i'm really glad im your maid-of-honour. "

I SMILED and meant it today!! She is the only person besides my Hubby that can always cheer me up. And im so blessed to have a friend like her. (I also met her because of a site like this.)

I am also blessed to have all my other friends who help on BLAH days.

ONE MONTH DOWN!!!

My feelings right now are best described in these messages I sent my hubby:

I never thought it was going to be easy, I knew it was gonna be hard, and we would have to work at it everyday...but I want to do that cause I want you, you and me forever and always...no matter what comes our way we can get through it, I found a stillness and bravery in myself with you. I'll be seeing you soon, Love you Miss You

ONE MONTH Down...we're done the first and the worst. I miss you SO much and sometimes it feels like yesterday that I kissed you good-bye, other days it feels like a lifetime since I've seen your face. When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same. I Miss you and Love you Always and Forever

Crying and Frustrated

So today started off bad to begin with, I woke up checked my banking online to find out that our insurance payment still hasn't gone through our joint account it was suppose to come out on the 15th. Call AMA and they wouldn't tell me anything because I am not Matt, and they needed Matt to send them a fax authorizing me to have access to the account....which I was suppose to have access to. AND the freaken lady didnt understand WHY there are no fax machines in a WARZONE!

ARGH! So I figure ill get my brother to call back and be "Matt" which worked out and I got the info i needed it was coming out of our savings account, great I was in a good mood.

Then I opened the mail that got sent to his mom's house which she gave to me.....

%)^$%)&$(%&$)@#(!) WE OWE roughly $10,000 to student loans which I had NO idea about!! When I moved in with him last year M left he told me that he was almost done paying off the loans and had been making monthly payments, so I never worried about it!!

But NOPE we OWE the money apparently from what they tell me, Im frustrated as hell cause I don't know why this happened, M never lies to me and was SURE he was making monthly payments. None of it makes sense.

SO now im pissed off cause we had such good plans for the tour money, we were suppose to pay for our wedding, get me a used car, and start working on our house down-payment.

Now all the money will go towards the debt. FML I am so frustrated, I don't even know if I should pay them off in full, make minimum payments or book our HLTA trip.

So i sent him an email about the debt and asked him what he wants me to do.....

Im fine with waiting a few years to have our wedding and I am fine with taking Transit to school, but the point is I THOUGHT the tour money was going to what we wanted not debt.

Sorry for the vent its just a bad day.

Good wake-up call.

SO MY HUBBY CALLED FINALLY!!! GOTTA TALK TO HIM FOR 20 MINUTES!!!

I LOVE MY HUSBAND MY HERO....just thought i would share.

OH and he was like...I dont think i wanna do police anymore once i get out...

MY HEART DROPPED!! He wants to do another tour i thought...

NOPE he wants to be an EMS. SO HAPPY

Some of my facebook status and quotes that have helped me through this....

"I believe in true love. I believe in love at first sight. I believe love conquers all. And that doesn't mean there's not gonna be hard days or difficult things to deal with, because there will be. But finding that person who does it for you and knowing that person loves you back it just makes everything so much easier. " - OTH

"A blind bird sings inside the cage that is my heart, the image of your face comes to me when I am alone in the dark. If I could give a shape to this ache that I have for you, If I could find the voice that says the words to capture you. " - from the song Dela

"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart." - unknown

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes all you need is one." - OTH

"I've talked to friends, I've talked to myself, I've talked to God, I prayed liked hell but I still miss you, I tried sober I tried drinking, I've been strong and I've been weak and I still miss you, I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to, I'd give anything for one more minute with you, I still miss you" - Keith Anderson

"When you can't touch him, sleep next to him, talk to him, laugh with him, or tell him you love him, pray for him" - Unknown

"Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will." - Unknown

"And it’s killing me all.. I’ve got is a memory...Of watching him leaving the way that he did...I go to sleep thinking about him I wake up without him.. It’s darker than life is he’s hard to miss" -unknown song

"Some days are full of darkness and shadows and sometime you dont wanna know how they'll end cause how could the end be happy? But then eventually the darkness passes, and a new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. " - JRR Tolkein

Faith, Hope, Love & Peace

I was sitting here on my mom's living room couch, thinking of my Hubby and realized something. My hand left hand was gripping my husbands cross I wear around my neck, my hand was right above my heart and my wedding ring was on my left hand.

I thought this was a perfect example of things you need to get through the deployment. Faith (my husbands cross), Love (my heart), and Hope (my wedding ring, the hope for our future together).

I also after I noticed that; found it Ironic that the peace symbol is two fingers separated. To gain peace you have to separate from the ones you love.

Just thought I would share the random musings of my brain. Lol

HLTA confirmed and talk with Hubby

So most of you know that since my husband has left he has been crazy stupid busy, Which is great for him but sucky for me cause we never get to talk...and the phones have been down the majority of the time he has been gone. Hadn't heard from him since Thanksgiving weekend (my one line message)

Last night as I was about to shut-off my computer and go to sleep i get a notification pop up that says "You have one new email from Matt"

YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!! So i opened my email to find his flight information for HLTA!! I'm so glad its confirmed and that i will actually get to see him in ## Days!!

Its still a long way out till our HLTA but im still stoked and excited for it!

Then to make my night better I figured I'd wait a couple minutes and see if he would log onto Facebook....waiting, waiting, waiting and nothing....just as i was about to log off..I get a message pop-up "Hey Baby"

OMG Im so glad I got to have a conversation with him finally. The longest time we have talked since he left, i'm glad it was online though cause i was crying the whole time, it was wonderful to talk to him and know he isn't changing and is still the same guy (I was worried for awhile that he distancing himself from me during the deployment, silly what stress makes you think)

I loved talking to him for the 20 minutes, but it also made me cry a lot since It made me miss him terribly. Glad tomorrow I am done one month of this deployment!

Just thought I'd share the good news.

No news is good news, except this email...

So after not hearing from the hubby for awhile...i log on today to find out that he sent me an email!!! The first one was very sweet and nice....and the second one was shitty as his tour got extended. Not by much, but by a bit. And geez guess what SHOCKER the phones are STILL down. Oh, sometimes it is better to hear no news.

Fake smile all the time.

Finds it so amusing how when I walk down the street all the people passing me hold on to there other half, smiling and laughing yet no one notices that this smile is fake, my heart is 10,000 km away and that my husband is at war....Some people take so much for granted.

Oh it's Thanksgiving, BTW the phones are down....

So I missed him being on Facebook by two yes two %$*& seconds. Haven't heard from him in days...thought i would at least get some kind of call today. But nope I missed him by two seconds on facebook; if a friend hadn't told me he was online i wouldn't have realized till i logged in later. I miss him....and i really wish he was here this weekend.

I've stayed positive most of the weekend but now im just angry that i missed him, all i got was a two line message
"I love you, phones are down, internet just got back up, call you in a few days." I am thankful that at least i got that, but i just miss talking to him, seeing him, being with him...

I miss my best friend.

And what is worse is after i ran to the computer logged in and saw the message, I told my family that I missed him he had logged off and the phones were down...their response: "The phones aren't down he just doesn't want to call you."

Gee thanks I needed that, I know its not true I know he would call if he could but seriously I dont need crappy comments like that on thanksgiving or any other time during the deployment. ARGH.

I've found a bravery within you...

So today my family wanted to go to the local pool and go swimming before we have our big thanksgiving dinner tomorrow...Great idea I love swimming but of course I didn't pack my swimsuit. So I ran over to wal-mart and bought a cheap $5 bikini. Now I wear bikini's all the time but I hate my thighs and I have a few stretch marks, now I like my body in general and have no problem wear short-shorts and such but only around my Hubby....So whenever we go swimming I have always worn surf shorts over my bikini bottoms makes me feel a whole lot more comfortable. But of course I didn't pack those either...so I had to wear a bikini to the pool! Big step for me, hubby tried to get me to do this once before and I told him that I was too nervous...Well by filling my head with all his supportive thoughts of me being sexy, gorgeous, etc. I found the bravery to wear a bikini!!

WOW it felt so liberating I felt sexy and attractive and no one seemed to notice my few stretch marks...I guess even with him gone he gives me a sense of bravery and confidence that only he can provide. Now I will never wear those surf shorts over my bikini again.

Now all I have left to do is cook my first Thanksgiving dinner solo, and make it thru tomorrow without crying! Wish me luck

So my thoughts of recent are I miss my hubby even more near a holiday; Happy Thanksgiving everyone btw. Here are my other thoughts:

It doesn't matter whether you feel useful or not when you're moving from one disaster to another. The trick, I guess, is to just keep moving.

&

When you can't touch him, sleep next to him, talk to him, tell him you love him, or laugh with him...pray for him.

Matt's Poem

Matt's Poem

If i had one day left on earth, id wanna spend it with you...

I wanna get lost in a parachute hanger with you...

I wanna run faraway with no apparent reason with you..

I wanna be there kissing you goodbye when you get on that bus...

I wanna be there in a red dress, holding coffee when you get off that plane...

I wanna keep you warm when you get home, and tuck you into bed...

I wanna be the one your thoughts turn to in the middle of the gunfire...

I wanna be the one to write you letters...

I wanna be the one to cool down your bed...

I wanna be the one to touch your back with my freezing ice hands...

I wanna be the picture in your helmet, you tell the guys your going home too me...

I wanna be there for you no matter how hard it will be...

If i had one day left on earth, id wanna spend it with you...

By Mariah Seders

(Copyright)

Things I've learned about LOVE

I can't describe love at all but these are the things I've learned with you being gone:

I've learned that your the one thing I can't stand to lose.

That you are a person I not only need in my life, but someone I certainly want in my life

I could never find anyone that knows me as well as you do.

Even though your only a photo and a phone call lately I still only have to close my eyes and its like your right here.

You make me an emotional wreck, your the only person that can do that to me.

I wanna grow old with you, keep care of you when your sick, always be with you, and be your number one support through everything.

In your darkest times the memory of love will see you through.

Our love is so strong I know we can do this; and I will wait for you forever.

I can't imagine my life without you. I never thought I would find someone as amazing as you.

And as always...If I had one day left on earth I'd want to spend it with you.

Ik Houd Van Jou Always and Forever

Two Weeks!!

Well I've made it through the first 2 weeks of the deployment; that is also 14 days or 336 hours. I will never have to relieve those 2 weeks ever again, they are crossed off my calendar in permanent marker. The days keep going by and before I know it this deployment will be over. I cannot wait to get christmas over with cause after that it is all downhill!

Phone Calls, Family, and Hospitals

So I drove down yesterday to my hometown to live with my family for the first four months of the deployment; the drive was LONG and boring. Once I get here things are going pretty good till my sister starts crying in pain, her head hurts and her stomach....so off to the hospital we go! After being there from 9 pm to 3 am she is told to take Advil and go home. We come home and at 6 am she is crying still and in more pain...so I stay home and take the sleeping shift and everyone else goes back to the hospital...after countless phone calls as I am trying to sleep from the hospital. Finally the phone rings AGAIN...this time its a good phone call from my HUBBY!!

He told me that Afghanistan is actually beautiful and that he's keeping really busy, gave me a VERY random list of things he needs sent over to him...Told me he really misses me. I asked if he wanted to go on tour again after this, and he was like NO, no way am I leaving you again. <3

Anyways I am home, my sister is still in the hospital, and I am gonna start getting regular-ish contact with the hubby.

PS they want me to send air-freshener. lol

C SQN is coming home...Work-up as started.

So as I check my usual websites for the news, I read an article that as of yesterday C SQN is coming home; travel safely and enjoy a warm and welcome reunion at home...

Also I was talking to one of the other Strathcona wives today and she told me her hubby has been in Germany for the last couple of weeks on work-up training so he can go on tour to replace my husband and his buddies in April.

I remember that this time last year I got a phone call from the hubby saying "Im going to be deployed..."

I also remember how close it was when we just finished work-up training....before I know it he will be home and the new set of CF men and women will be going over there to take his place. My faith, hope, and prayers are with everyone.